The words of the song would not go away, Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so. I began to repeat them over and over with the sweet sense of peace that washed over me.
But as for me? Did Jesus love me? After everything? I remember what my dad said the day he left home. “She’s not mine”. What did he mean? That he was not my dad? Who was my dad then? And why did my stepdad show his love by touching me in my private areas? This was so confusing. What is love anyway? Why did it cause so much pain? I went back to my replacement dad and the events that caused me to leave home at a younger age. I was so out of control my mum could not cope.
It was easier to get the twins to agree. Something about NanaG made them want to be at their best behaviour tonight. They had eaten their dinner and left their plates to one side. All we had to do was get them out of play clothes and into some clothes NanaG had bought after taking turns in the bathroom. She had some spare adult-sized toothbrushes and paste. Then the blue walled bathroom featured a showerhead and bucket, the latter of which became handy for the quick wash. The kids were eager to show their independence so I stayed and watched them in turn whilst NanaG made herself scarce. In about 10 to 15 minutes she had reappeared to say the spare room was ready. After brushing their teeth and dressing in their new-found wear, we moved to the room. How did she know this day would come? She said something about wanting to treat them for their birthday which was in a month.
“Mum, Mum! Chantelle was frantic with excitement as she shook me to rouse me out of sleep. “Can we go and meet Jesus with NanaG please?” I should have expected this to happen sometime soon, I think. I could smell the delicious air of baking coming from the kitchen and it got stronger as the door opened wider to reveal another excited Jordan who was neatly dressed in a slightly-oversized white shirt and wine coloured big and seam adjusted corduroy trousers. They were also folded at the ankles at that did not seem to matter to these children. Thank you was not enough to say to Gracie who was walking towards me with a plate in hand. She handed me the most mouth-watering pancakes I had had in a long time. “Ah” you didn’t have to, I said politely.
NanaG had a song for the mix.
Pancakes are the easiest to make
“Start the bowl with a warm rinse
Melt the butter in a little heat
Crack the eggs but not with a fist
Pour in the milk and give the mix a twist
Fold in the flour, show off your power
Top it all up with choice spice all over!”
My little girl was rehearsing her poem and changing the words all the time. She got herself bouncing from one foot to the other; reminding me of how carefree I had been so many years before…
The thoughts of how I would sing about Jesus and happily dance came flooding back. This was not the time to brood. But I had hardly slept all night because my mind had been in some turmoil.