The words of the song would not go away, Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so. I began to repeat them over and over with the sweet sense of peace that washed over me.
But as for me? Did Jesus love me? After everything? I remember what my dad said the day he left home. “She’s not mine”. What did he mean? That he was not my dad? Who was my dad then? And why did my stepdad show his love by touching me in my private areas? This was so confusing. What is love anyway? Why did it cause so much pain? I went back to my replacement dad and the events that caused me to leave home at a younger age. I was so out of control my mum could not cope.
NanaG had a song for the mix.
Pancakes are the easiest to make
“Start the bowl with a warm rinse
Melt the butter in a little heat
Crack the eggs but not with a fist
Pour in the milk and give the mix a twist
Fold in the flour, show off your power
Top it all up with choice spice all over!”
My little girl was rehearsing her poem and changing the words all the time. She got herself bouncing from one foot to the other; reminding me of how carefree I had been so many years before…
The thoughts of how I would sing about Jesus and happily dance came flooding back. This was not the time to brood. But I had hardly slept all night because my mind had been in some turmoil.
She was a beautiful dark-skinned woman of African descent, not quite old enough to be my mum but was full of wisdom. I was lucky to have her as she made parenting or co-parenting, in this case, a tidy responsibility. She was in her early 60s and had 2 children who were married and long gone. Looking after my children were her way of giving back and staying young. I met her one day when I was out shopping with the children about 5 years ago. It was quite a chore trying to get the kids to pay attention and do as told whilst in the shops. As little as they were, both under 5, they would charge off in all directions as soon as they were got outside the car. It would become a game of hide and seek, me shouting their names, running after them, trying to maintain order, quickly locking the car door and catching up with them but not all in that order. It was while trying to find them that I ran into Gracie.
To be honest memories of my past life kept flooding back. Mum, Dad, my brother, sister and much about my childhood. And for a moment they were too painful to contain. The episodes with Bode, my previous abortions which tortured my mind, the men I had been with and how I felt used and dirty, my shave with God at an early age and how I loved kids’ church… and more. They all kept tumbling and playing on my mind as I recoiled from Winnie. The last thing I needed now was another holier than thou preach at me.