One night, I think, two days after the separation and moving in with mum, I woke up with the idea that it was time to return to the same relationship I had just fled. Why would I think that?
I felt that I owed it to the other party to return ‘home’ following numerous phone calls and fear of what loomed for me and the kids. Like my existence was entirely for them…wonder now, where that thinking came from. You can imagine the shock my mum greeted my thoughts with. She thought I was beyond belief. It seemed I had not learned anything yet! I remember her saying that if I had no compassion for her as a mother and did not think twice about her losing a daughter, at least I should think of the children and their fate if I had to return after all the drama and intervention to get me out. Those utterances shocked me…. but I was still unconvinced about staying away until….
I went back to bed, whether same day or after, I’m not sure. And fell into a dream. It was a 3 way conversation and I sat opposite an individual. They were so caring and loving and I remember talking over and over about my troubles. It seemed as I was defined by the in those days as I would greet people with a tiny reference to my own pain. How selfish?
Anyway my companions were listening to what I had to say when I was interjected by a dominant one. He asked me where I got the idea that marriage was supposed to be so hard, sad and brutal. He told me He was a God of Love and my ‘victim thinking’ did not come from Him.
So where did it come from?
I was jolted awake from sleep to think on what I had seen and heard. So somewhere in my subconscious was the embedding of the fact that I had to suffer in a relationship. But people I knew took decisions to escape in their own situations. I had to examine my own beliefs to get to the root of these false messages.
My mum was so elated; she danced and thanked God for getting through to me! After that there were other conversations with the Voice (as I think is best to call Him). He became such a close companion, adviser, comforter and explained things to me over and over again. Even on one occasion, I was in the kitchen when after some more disturbing phone calls and I had argued about some other issues in my previous relationship, he gently and softly reminded me of the need to consider behaviour over utterance. “By their fruits you shall know them”
Church had introduced me to a new family, friendships also an environment of faith, trust and purpose. One of the most impacting books I ever read was called ‘the purpose driven life’. Information about my design, shape, culture, gifting, skills, talents even skin tone were all indications to the part my life is supposed to play on earth! Wow. I had never heard that put in that way before…so I did not need to apologise for who I was, who I am, even more, all these other opinions didn’t matter in the great scheme of things. I had a loving creator who delighted in me, just the way I am and being me was pleasing Him. God mattered and His opinion far better outweigh other think tanks, criticism and thoughts on who I should or shouldn’t be.
The fact that I was uniquely created and designed for a higher call was so liberating. You will never know how much. It was so impacting that I started a course based on this book with some like-minded friends – a 40 day journey to be spread across 40 weeks in the year. I think I reveled in the joy of gifting the said book to other people. And loved getting the remarks and testimonials back after people read them. I think it’s time to do this again!😉
Faith and learning again
It took faith to get up everyday and just get on with l-i-f-e. One day at a time.
A conversation I had by inspiration, told me that people would not just stay home, refusing to leave the house or do anything, because they feared for their life, or of being killed or being involved in an accident. They still made appointments, with no idea whether they would live the next day. I was encouraged to make plans, prepare for good things and take steps towards those goals. The best part, I see now, is the power of writing things down.
Molly, my friend, who I fondly call, First Lady!❤️ of Mollingham palace runs workshops around writing vision boards. (Women of Substance)
That heralded the beginning of getting back to thinking like an adult.