I think to this day, I marvel at the different influences from culture, environment, background, media (tv and soaps), church and friendships that contribute to shape our thinking!
I was so convinced I had to fix it or bear it!
The friends that helped bring me out, spoke into my thinking. They challenged me to look at the consequences of my actions or non actions and it’s impact on the kids.
So many times, I felt I was beyond help! Yet help was available I just had to accept that I was deserving of receiving it.
You are worthy of good things and a good life and good relationships😉. Keep thinking and saying it and your mind will soon catch up with your words and your body will respond as well as your attitude.
They told me, you’ll have ‘a stigma.’ What stigma?
A divorcee? Really?
But it’s not written on my forehead is it. And it’s only an event that took place. It does not define me!
I was receiving so many threats about being put to shame. I was not exactly sure what for. I do remember having to set up financial endeavours in joint names so as I began to come to ‘my senses’, I request a dissolution of all these.
I decided to seek legal help with a legal separation and subsequently a change of name. Within two months of the estrangement I had reverted all my documents to my maiden name including the certificate for the then, imminent masters degree from the City University.
What seemed like an impossible task, ‘getting heard’ in my relationship seemed to happen so suddenly. After a few changes in my own self perception and behaviour.
At the request of the other party, after I moved out, we began to attend counselling sessions. It seemed at first that boundaries were being established and we were going to move forward with salvaging the marriage.
At the second session, we were reminded that the purpose of the meeting was to find a way forward but it seemed bitterness played a huge part of the conversation, after so many years of ‘not being heard’ I did not really know how to communicate what I wanted. More drama. More talk about what had gone wrong and that was it.
The third time we came back, the pastor said not to bother anymore as he did not see any real desire to move forward. He advised me to seek counsel from the lead woman pastor figure. I did as instructed and explained what had happened to deserve my audience with her. She promptly promised to calm me back after our discussion but I do not believe the phone call ever got through to my phone network!
Days and nights fused into one as there was not much difference between either. I woke up, attended to the kids, did the school run, ate, talked to mum and went back to bed.
Thank God for Sundays as they provided a welcome distraction from the self -focus or self absorbed world I was immersed in.
Copyright ©Arinola 2017
To be continued…
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